Miss Manners Would Be Teed Off

Did you see where two PGA tour stars got their spikes a little bent out of shape a couple of weeks back at the Los Angeles Open? Fred Couples and Davis Love III were in a sudden-death playoff at the pricey Riviera Country Club when things got terribly ugly.

"Somebody made a comment," Couples said. "I didn't really appreciate it. He said, 'Have a good day and don't choke.' " And Love said that just before he set up to putt during the playoff, he swears he heard somebody in the gallery whisper, "Miss it." Love added, "There were at least five or six times when I heard people pulling against me."

Couples won the tournament, but both players said they were disturbed by the fans' rudeness. "It just got a little out of control," Love said. "It's not the way it should be. Freddie and I had a good friendly match, but the fans got carried away."

Golf fans pulling against someone? People who love the game acting untoward? This was such a shock to me that I brought it up during my usual Saturday morning game with "Two Down" O'Connor, the World's Most Avid Golf Bettor, and asked him what he thought.

Two Down was in the middle of his backswing on the 18th tee, $50 up on me, all bets doubled, when I mentioned it. "Can you believe how rudely the fans treated those two golfers last week?" I said. For some reason, he smother-hooked his drive over a fence and into the parking lot of a nearby dry-cleaning establishment.

Two Down gave me a rather churlish look as I stepped up to hit my drive. "Atrocious manners," he said. "Golf is the one place where decorum is an absolute must. Golf is not like other sports." Just then, Two Down loosed a Mayo Clinic cough, causing me to top my drive into the drainpipe near the ladies' tee. "Gamesmanship from fans or opponents has no place in golf," he said.

We discussed the issue further as he lined up his seven-iron to the green. "Oh, I heartily agree," I said. "Golf is different. In baseball, it's tradition for fans to razz opposing players. Can you imagine Fred Couples playing rightfield at Yankee Stadium ? People pouring beer on him and such? In hockey, 'Have a good day and don't choke' is the equivalent of a Hallmark card." I absentmindedly ripped the Velcro on my golf glove just as Two Down was approaching impact. He gouged out a chunk of sod that would have carpeted a small den, causing his ball to drink thirstily from the greenside pond.

"It's true," Two Down said as I lined up my punch nine-iron. "Some people might consider golfers the most coddled of professional athletes: courtesy cars, orchids on their breakfast plates, people applauding politely all the time. Not at all like the NBA . Can you imagine Larry Bird complaining about fans screaming as he tries a game-winning free throw? But golf is different. We won't put up with boorish behavior."

Just then, he put the golf cart into reverse, and it made that annoying buzzing sound. I skulled the ball over the green, down the hill and into the grease fryer in the snack shack.

"You're 100 percent right," I said as he set up over his chip from the cart barn. "Some of the players at the L.A. Open were critical of the fans for clicking cameras while they were swinging. Do you have any idea how many people click their cameras every time Michael Jordan gets ready to shoot? Of course, he's used to it. Golf is much different." Unfortunately, at the exact moment Two Down was bringing his hips through, I accidentally hit DIAL TONE on my portable phone. He struck a sad little shot that exhausted itself after a few feet.