Sweetheart, Get Me Rewrite!

Now playing at your local Sports Odoplex 32:

The Net. Former Dallas Maverick star Roy Tarpley gets used to the required headwear for his new job at Burger King.

Get Shorty. Seven-foot-seven Washington Bullet center Gheorghe Muresan plots revenge on 7'6" New Jersey Net center Shawn Bradley.

Leaving Las Vegas. Tragicomedy starring Don King's stable of fighters, who try to scrape together enough money to get back home after King takes his cut of their purses.

Clueless. Filmmakers spend a week at the American Radio Sports Talk Show Hosts convention. Featured seminars include Why Look Something Up When You Can Just Ask Your Listeners to Call In the Answer? and Cowboys Suck: Fact or Fiction?

Sense and Sensibility. Toronto Maple Leaf cementhead Tie Domi discovers two more things he was born without.

Dangerous Minds. Barry Switzer and Steve Spurrier get together to discuss big-game strategy. (Nobody will be admitted during the last 60 minutes.)

Dead Man Walking. Cliffhanger on the career of just-barely-employed Detroit Lion coach Wayne Fontes. In the final scene team owner William Clay Ford tells reporters, "Well, he didn't quit and I didn't fire him, so I guess he'll be back."

12 Monkeys. Behind-the-scenes look at the men currently involved in the ongoing baseball labor negotiations.

Seven. Harvard physicists determine how many guys it would take to give the Chicago Bulls a decent game.