Hey, This Turning 40 Ain't So Bad After All

Turned 40 recently. Asked what I wanted, I said, "The Perfect Day."

6 a.m.—Alarm rings.

6:01—Smash alarm with two-iron.

9:15—Wake up on own.

9:16—Reintroduce self to Heather Locklear.

9:20—Gabrielle Reece brings breakfast in bed—wearing only sports page.

9:21—Open sports page.

10:21—Read sports page. See that Bobby Knight and Albert Belle hospitalized after freak revolving-door accident.

10:30—Enjoy wholesome breakfast of BBQ chicken wings, chili-cheese fries and Guinness. Forget to eat anything good for colon.

10:42—Wipe face on guest towels.