The Zapper

Get a T.O., baby! Dick Vitale is now a prime-time player. Or so those ESPN Hoops Malone promos would have you believe. The ads for the network's college basketball telecasts, disguised as teasers for a fanciful TV program in which Dickie V stars as faltering father figure Hoops and George Gervin plays his scheming neighbor, Ice, brilliantly skewer shows from The Flintstones to the syndicated Unhappily Ever After (the worst program on TV). "The problem," Vitale tells us, "is that some people believe Hoops is a real show."...Goal-oriented college students can get their kicks from the NCAA women's soccer championship from San Jose ( ESPN , Sunday, 3 p.m.).