Peach State Lemons

Recently, the losing has taken on a certain, er, quality. We're not talking just bad. We re talking nose clothespins. Last year the Falcons finished last in the NFL in both offense and defense. The Braves were the first National League club this year to commit 100 errors. The '87 Falcons were also last in takeaway-giveaway ratio, sacks, points scored and first downs. This year the Braves are last in ERA, shutouts and saves. The Falcons lost six fumbles in their first two games this year. The Braves set a league record this season by losing their first 10 games.

Even the silver linings turn rusty. The Braves' Gerald Perry, among the league leaders in batting, became the first player this season to get the coveted Triple Frown by reaching double figures in errors, times caught stealing and times grounded into double plays. In one stretch of eight at bats. Dale Murphy struck out seven times. Dale Murphy!

The locals are positively yawn-struck by it all. The Braves will be outdrawn by the Buffalo Bisons of the Triple A American Association. In August the Braves began selling $1 tickets in hopes of not becoming the first club since 1985 to draw fewer than a million fans. Last year the Falcons had their lowest attendance average ever. 23,727. That figure was, of course, the worst in the league. At one Falcon game last season there were more no-shows (18,382) than shows (15,909), causing hot dogs to implode.

Then again, if your team played at Fulton County Stadium, you might choose to clean your rain gutters rather than take in a game. The infield is so bad that Manny Trillo, then of the Philadelphia Phillies, once took infield practice wearing a football helmet. Some teams refuse to take infield there at all. The bathrooms are filthy, the seats are impossibly far away from the action, the paint is peeling, and the surrounding neighborhood is a great place to contribute credit cards to the local youth.

Visiting fans don't know that. Three weeks ago, the Falcons-Saints game in Atlanta drew nearly as many Saints fans as Falcon fans. In fact, New Orleans linebacker Pat Swilling was seen gyrating his arm to incite Saints fans to higher decibel levels. That's believed to be the first time in NFL history that a player used a road crowd to his favor. "I was disgusted," said a Falcon fan on a radio talk show afterward. "We got shouted down in our own stadium! Said Falcon offensive tackle Mike Kenn, "That's the first time I've played at home to a bipartisan crowd."

Atlanta Journal-Constitution columnist Lewis Grizzard calls Atlanta Losersville, but nobody is sure why this city's teams have become so woeful. Why should one hamlet be so allergic to sports greatness? What are the odds of getting bopped in the nose for 23 straight years? Theories flow like bourbon and ginger:

1) The Blame It On Hassell Brown theory. Hassell Brown, a vendor, sings the national anthem for all three teams. Could it be a plot? Could Brown be sneaking in subliminal stuff like, "What so proudly we failed"?

2) The Blame It On The Western Division theory. This one holds that despite being situated in the eastern time zone, the Falcons and Braves play in western divisions. Thus they travel farther than other teams in their divisions. When the Los Angeles Dodgers play the San Francisco Giants, it's a one-hour hop. When Atlanta plays them, it's a four-hour trip. The only successful team in Atlanta is the one in an eastern division, where it belongs: the Hawks.

3) The Blame It On The Owners Who Have As Much Of A Clue How To Run A Pro Sports Franchise As A Dog Has Of Rewiring A Lamp theory. We'll focus on this last hypothesis.

Ted Turner didn't know much about basketball when he bought the Hawks in 1976, and he has let general manager Stan Kasten run them unfettered. But Turner believed he knew baseball or, at any rate, loved it. So he tinkered with the Braves. Problem was, the Braves, playing as they do on Turner's TBS cable network, were a huge chunk of his programming. One time this season the Braves had a night game in St. Louis, flew home and played a 5:40 p.m. game in Atlanta the next day so that Turner could show Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in prime time—colorized, naturally. "We're like an Andy of Mayberry rerun." said one player. "They put us on anytime they want."