Regretlessly Yours

Star athletes tend to get themselves in more hot water than Top Ramen. Last week alone Keith Hernandez, Kenyon Martin and Delmon Young all had to do major damage control for bad behavior. � But now, thanks to the discount law firm of Wheezle, Wangle and Dodge, stars can save boatloads of p.r. and legal fees with the first-ever Do It Yourself Athletic Apology--the No-pology?. It's the best way to say "I'm sorry" without really meaning it. Try it next time you're busted! (Clear throat and read sincerely.)

THE NO-FAULT APOLOGY

Ladies and gentlemen, let me begin by saying I'm acutely aware of the accusations that I (pick from Menu A) . Let me state categorically and on the record that (one from Menu B) . What everybody involved needs to clearly understand is that (Menu C) . And I refuse to let the (Menu D) win. Still, if (Menu E) , then I would definitely like to take this opportunity to (Menu F) . But I'll tell you one thing, I (Menu G) . Peace. Out.

Menu A OFFENSES

? tested positive for every chemical on the element chart

? insulted an entire (race/gender/religion)

? beat the bejesus out of that meter maid

? groped most of the Rockettes

? threatened to kneecap my coach

? kneecapped my coach

Menu B EXCUSES