Furious George

MEMO TO: New York Yankees manager Joe Torre, all Yankees staff and players

CC: Horse trainer Nick Zito, all Kinsman Stable employees and horses

BCC: All New York City and Tampa hospitals

FROM: Stephen Sukupp, personal assistant to Mr. George Steinbrenner

RE: Mr. Steinbrenner's mood, highest alert

NOTE: Confidential

Be advised that Mr. S is returning from the Kentucky Derby soon after a very, very bad weekend. Personally, I would give him a wider berth than Sean Penn with an impacted molar.

His horse, Bellamy Road, the colt that some were comparing with Secretariat, the one that went off as the 5-2 favorite, the one that was supposed to make the other entries look like Tijuana mules, the horse that trainer Nick Zito called "a gift from God," finished seventh. He was beaten by a 50-1 shot, a 72-1 shot and a 46-1 shot. It's a wonder Bellamy Road didn't get shot. He did not win, place, or show up.

Worse, Mr. S's beloved Yankees have been sucking like the Hoover factory. Last week they were in last place after April for the first time in 10 years. You just don't see a team with a $208 million payroll in last place, do you? That's like seeing Bill Gates walking down the road with a gas can. Or Paris Hilton at Goodwill.

The Yankees haters out there are delirious. I'm sure poor Mr. S is hearing it from them.