The Blonde Leading The Blind

Pull up a stool, Matt Leinart. Let me buy you a fresh-squeezed adult beverage. You don't know it, but you just made my day.

You, Mr. Perfect Stubble, USC Star, First-Round-Pick Quarterback, just checked into the Paris Hilton. Miss Millionheiress Man-eater Paris Hilton, that is. You're dating her. Guess she graded out well on film, huh?

You're going there even though you know this girl is hotter than a flapjack skillet but twice as shallow. She has billionaire boyfriends for between-meal snacks. The last one she broke up with, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, spent an hour last week crying and ringing her doorbell, according to paparazzi. He wound up sprawled on her driveway, weeping. Next!

Personally, I don't think you'll last longer than a stolen brownie at a Weight Watchers seminar. In the What Will She Do to Matt? office pool, I've got Leave Him with a Facial Tic. But professionally, I'm doing backflips. Self-induced career wrecks make great copy, and jocks and divas mix like nitroglycerine and band camp.

In fact, I'd say Miss Paris has a chance to crack my Top 10 Alltime Skirt Hurts. But it won't be easy. These cupcake killers could bring down an athlete faster than craps tables and discount birth control put together.

10. Shaune Bagwell
Model and ex-wife of the Houston Astros' Jeff Bagwell once sold ad space on her cleavage.

9. Anna Benson
Former stripper--with plenty of ad space--once told Howard Stern when husband Kris was pitching for the New York Mets that if he ever cheated on her, she'd sleep with every member of the team. The Mets set a record that year for Most Digital Cameras Purchased.

8. Jane Shea
Ex-wife of former Arsenal and England soccer star Tony Adams got caught by police with a dead body in her car in 2004. Though she was found innocent of wrongdoing, it didn't help Tony's standing at church any.

7. Sherrie Daly
She married the hard-drinking, hard-gambling, Diet-Coke--Marlboro-and-chocolate-addicted golfer John Daly. It was the groom's fourth wedding. The man has rice marks. So what were the odds that the one in jail on a conspiracy charge in connection with a drug and gambling ring would be the blushing bride?

6. Danielle Harper
The only woman ever to deserve a Super Bowl share. During a beef in January with her husband, Indianapolis Colts cornerback Nick Harper, she allegedly used a filleting knife to make some finer points on his knee. The next day, in the closing moments of an AFC playoff game, a bouncing football fell into guess whose hands. Ninety yards of open field lay ahead, but Harper, running on that julienned knee, couldn't get by the slowest guy on the field--Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger. Pittsburgh held on to win the game and, eventually, the Super Bowl. Every Steelers fan owes Danielle a big thank you. But I'd do it by phone.