Pass The Calculator, Jose

I am Roger Clemens. You are Jose Canseco. The sun is quite warm today at the beach. We lie on our lounge chairs and stare at the boats that bob on the horizon. It is good that we are wearing our sunglasses. They cut down the glare. There are no clouds.

"Ahhhhhhhh," I say.

"Anhhhhhhh," you say.

I have signed a contract that will pay me $5,375,000 to throw baseballs in the coming season for the Boston Red Sox. My contract will pay me essentially the same amount of money every year for the next four years. You have signed a contract that will pay you $4.7 million to hit baseballs for the Oakland A's. Your contract will also pay the same money for the next four years. Between us we will make more than $40 million.

"Hot," I say.

"Very hot," you say.

I will earn $1,536 for every pitch I throw this year. This is if I throw 100 pitches in each of my 35 starts. If I am paid only for strikes, my salary will jump to $3,072 for every strike. (This is if 50% of the pitches are strikes. By this calculation, the balls would be counted as mistakes, thrown for free, even the intentional ones.) I suppose all of this would not be as impressive if I counted the eight warmup pitches at the start of every inning and if I counted the pitches in spring training and exhibitions and.... Oh, I'll stick with $1,536 for every regulation pitch. Ball or strike.

You will make $1,958 every time you swing the bat. That figure is based on your going to the plate 600 times and swinging an average of four times during each visit. I don't know. Maybe you will swing the bat more. Maybe less. Let's say four times. You won't receive the $1,958 on checked swings. Uh-uh. Broke your wrists. That's $1,958.

"Ooooooooh," I say.

"Ooooooooh," you say.